When "self-discipline" meets "casualness": the collision and integration of two lives
In emotional counseling, I often encounter similar stories.
There is a 35-year-old woman who grew up in a family. Her parents are intellectuals. Her mother is a doctor and her father is a teacher. They built a life framework for her that is as precise as clockwork.
From diet to studies, every step is carefully planned.
When she turned 35, she met a boyfriend with very different living habits. When she met her, she realized for the first time that someone could sleep until the sun was high on weekends, start a new day with iced Coke, and eat midnight snacks without any psychological burden.
She found this huge difference both incredible and full of anxiety, wondering: Can people in these two worlds really go on living together.
Behind the differences are two complete sets of "life operating systems"
living habits The differences are often just the tip of the iceberg.
Under the water, there are two completely different "operating systems for life."
In her world, sense of order It is a source of security.
I have never tasted barbecue or ice cream, and I have never stayed up late. Behind these seemingly harsh self-discipline behaviors are the "correct life templates" implanted by my parents.
On the contrary, his casualness means that he presents a completely different value system, that is, life is for enjoyment, and rules are for providing corresponding services to people.
When these two systems live in the same room, friction is inevitable.
She tried to "transform" him with what she believed to be the "correct" habits, but she found that the other party didn't think there was anything wrong with her approach.
The frustration of this transformation is far more emotionally draining than a breakfast or a bottle of iced Coke itself.
Shift from “transforming each other” to “understanding each other”
Many times, we mistakenly believe that love can easily change a person.
However, psychology shows us that the key living habits of adults are the result of more than 20 years of environmental shaping, and they have long since evolved into a part of security.
To ask a person who has been accustomed to freedom and spontaneity to transform into a model of self-discipline in an instant is like asking a person who has been a vegetarian all year round to suddenly eat meat every meal. This is not only a change in habits, but also a negation of his entire past life experience.
The real first step is to let go of the obsession that "my habits are the only right ones."
Try to understand that the reason why he wakes up late may be due to the pressure of work and the urgent need to make up for the amount of sleep. The reason why he drinks iced drinks may be because he has developed a way of resolving stress since he was a child.
When we no longer see differences as "mistakes" but as "differences," bridges of communication begin to be built.
Establish "family pacts" on key issues
Understanding differences does not mean unconditional compromise.
Bottom-line issues like health, sanitation and safety are worth sitting down with, like a project meeting, to create a "family covenant."
You can agree to prepare a healthy breakfast together on a few days a week, and each of you can handle the rest of the days according to your preferences. There can be both his iced Coke and your warm milk in the refrigerator. You can advance the midnight snack time, or choose some relatively healthy foods.
The core point is not who wins and who loses, but to jointly delineate a "buffer zone" that is acceptable to both parties.
During this process, communication skills Very important.
Don't use "you should" too often, but use "I need" more often. Don't often accuse "you are wrong" and express "I'm worried" more frequently.
For example, replace "It's bad for your stomach if you drink ice water in the morning" with "My stomach is more sensitive in the morning. If I see you drinking ice water, I can't help but worry. Can we work together to find a way to get the best of both worlds?"
In the differences, unexpectedly find complementary surprises
A rarely mentioned perspective is that differences are sometimes the gifts of relationships.
Perhaps, her rigorous self-discipline can help him establish some more regular life rhythms, such as regular physical examinations and eating on time.
His casual and comfortable state might become an antidote to her stressful life, allowing her to feel the fireworks of barbecue for the first time, and then experience the wanton randomness of staying up late to watch a movie.
A mature relationship is not to transform the other person into another self, but to be able to detect another potential possibility from the other person while maintaining oneself, and to willingly open a new window for each other.
When you can take the first ice cream in your life from him with a smile, and when he can get up early to prepare a weekend breakfast for you, differences become the glue of the relationship, not a stumbling block.
Each couple comes with the imprint of their respective original families.
Those differences that make us feel unimaginable are precisely the reasons why the other person can become who he is.
Let go of the obsession with transformation, build common rules, stick to the bottom line on key issues, and remain flexible on issues that are not principled.
You will find that two worlds that originally existed with extremely different differences can actually merge with each other to give birth to a brand new landscape.
And that landscape is far richer and more real than any single life model.
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