The difference between North and South is not a "dead end", the key is to find a sense of distance that suits the whole family
As a girl from the north who married into a family in southern Fujian and built a new home in Xiamen, a very tolerant city, I can really understand your feelings.
Many people think, "It's just that there are differences in food preferences and different ways of communicating." However, those who have actually been involved in it understand that such trivial stumbling blocks will slowly consume the initial patience and goodwill.
What you are worried about is not that your parents-in-law are bad people, but that after living together for a long time, they are trying to accommodate each other, and each of them is uncomfortable. Such anxiety just shows that you value this family very much, and you are still sincerely thinking about how to make everyone feel comfortable.
Behind the in-laws’ “adaptation” lies the life inertia of the two generations.
Mr. You have always thought about bringing your parents-in-law over to live with them for a while to see if they can adapt. This is undoubtedly a good starting point.
But the word "adaptation" is actually very cruel to the elderly.
Having lived in the place of their birth for many, many years, they have their own social circle, familiar with the weather conditions, and the types of food they can eat smoothly. Even if they come to Xiamen to help take care of their grandchildren, deep down they always have the uneasiness of "being a guest" and "fulfilling their mission."
To put it another way, as a daughter-in-law, you still need to take into account the tastes and work schedule of your parents-in-law in your own home. As time goes by, it is really difficult to relax completely.
I have seen many families where both parties tried their best to endure, but in the end, enduring the grievances and resentments actually hurt the feelings more than maintaining distance from the beginning.
"The distance of a bowl of soup" is the wisdom of getting along that has been verified by countless families
Ms. Zhuang's proposal in the city is particularly pragmatic and real, while Ms. Huang's suggestion is also practical and real. Renting a house for the parents-in-law in the same community is a plan widely accepted by many urban families nowadays.
If you think about it carefully, your parents-in-law and mother-in-law have their own space, the specific time they wake up, the type of food they eat, and whether they watch dialect programs. There is no need to look at the faces of the younger generation. You, the young couple, have also retained some of your own living habits. If you want to sleep in on weekends and occasionally order a takeaway with a strong taste, you don't have to worry that the elderly will think this is "unhealthy".
More importantly, this distance will make the encounter with each other more "the charm of family affection" rather than the "feeling of a mission."
There is an agreed time to pick up the child, such as picking up the child every afternoon and sending the child back in the evening. This has practical significance in helping and will not cause either party to feel as if they are being restricted.
The husband’s role is not to be a “microphone” but rather to be a “translator” and a “reassurr”
Citizen Mr. Huang is right when he says that the husband's attitude determines the tone of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
There are many situations where conflicts intensify. The reason is that when the husband is in the middle position, there are two behavioral manifestations, one is to choose to avoid it, and the other is to just pass on the original words.
For example, if your mother-in-law said, "This dish is too bland," and your husband directly translates it into "Mom said the dish is tasteless," you will definitely feel uncomfortable after hearing this.
But if he can use the method of "translation" and say, "Mom is not used to bland tastes, let's cook a meaty dish for her tomorrow, and she also wants to try to cook two dishes from her hometown for us to taste." In this way, "picky" will be transformed into "active participation".
Similarly, you need to ask him to express some of your concerns in a way that his parents-in-law can accept and obey. For example, "She has been under a lot of pressure at work recently. Let her sleep more on weekends and we can make food ourselves, so it will be more comfortable."
Ask your parents-in-law’s true wishes first, don’t make decisions for them
The most important thing you should do now is not to get entangled in the issue of "whether or not to live together", but to find an opportunity so that your husband can have a calm communication with his parents.
It's not "can you adapt to Xiamen?" but "what kind of life do you envision in your later years?"
There are some elderly people who say they want to live with their sons, but in fact, it is more difficult for them to give up their poker friends in their hometown, they are more attached to the vegetable fields in their hometown, and they miss the familiar environment of their hometown.
If your father-in-law and mother-in-law are in good health and cannot leave their hometown, then you can bring them to Xiamen to live temporarily at regular intervals. In this way, everyone will value the time together more.
If your parents-in-law really want to come to Xiamen for retirement, then the plan of "living separately but close to each other" is worth planning your budget carefully and checking the housing supply in advance.
Make "inclusiveness" concrete rather than just a slogan
You mentioned that you wanted to take the opportunity to express your apology and understanding to your parents-in-law. This is a particularly good idea.
Don't wait until a conflict has already broken out before you say this. When the family atmosphere is relaxed, such as when dining together, you can naturally mention it: "Dad, Mom, you have worked really hard during your time in Xiamen. I understand in my heart that there are differences in eating habits between the north and the south. We young people sometimes only care about our own convenience." "Lee, I hope you can bear with me. We will take it step by step and find a way to make everyone feel comfortable." If you say this when the conflict has already broken out, as if you mentioned it naturally during a meal together, the elderly will feel that you regard them as one of your own family members, not as an opposing party.
At the same time, you can agree on some "family principles" with your husband, such as core issues related to children's education and important expenses. The husband and wife should first keep the same tone, and then communicate with the elderly to prevent the parents-in-law from thinking that "the daughter-in-law takes the lead."
Even if they live together, they must help their parents-in-law rebuild the "fulcrum of life"
If due to economic reasons, we can only live together for the time being, then we must actively help our parents-in-law and mother-in-law build a new life support point in Xiamen.
For example, we help them register for community colleges for the elderly, find fellow villagers, teach them how to use mobile maps, and learn how to use grocery shopping software.
Many conflicts actually stem from the fact that the elderly are in a state of "having nothing to do" and can only focus all their attention on your small family.
If they have their own things to be busy with and new friends to chat with, they won't keep an eye on when you get up every day; nor will they keep an eye on what you eat every day.
Under the same circumstances, you can also divide some special areas in your home that belong to your parents-in-law. For example, you can divide the balcony for them to plant some green onions, and reserve a chair in the living room where they often sit. Showing respect in details like this is much more useful than talking about big principles.
In short, a harmonious family is not something that can be achieved by relying on one party to make endless compromises, but to find a balanced situation that allows everyone to act in accordance with their true inner nature.
The two of you, as a couple, are able to face this problem head-on and are willing to think about solutions. This is already much better than many families who choose to escape.
Give your husband more confidence, and give yourself some time to gradually find a way of getting along that suits your family.
Even if there are difficulties at the beginning, as long as everyone knows that we are working for the same home, there will be no insurmountable obstacles.
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